If it ain't broke, count on Enron not to fix it

News Item: Enron's top brass manage to pay themselves $933 millionin cash and stock in the year before its collapse, including $152million to former CEO Kenneth Lay.

The system works.

A worthy cause

News Item: Former President Bill Clinton takes in $9.2 million for60 speeches in 2001.

Does that mean all we have to do is give him $9.2 million, andhe'll stay quiet for a year?

Maybe they can get Pacino

Supermarket Headline of the Month: "MAFIA RUNNING OUT OFMOBSTERS."

It's spelled p-r-e-y-i-n-g

Palestinian Family Values (cont'd):

Naima el Abed's prayer to her son as he prepared to launch asuicide attack in the northern Gaza strip that would kill two others:

"This is the best day of my life. God willing, you will become amartyr and you will be successful."

She ululated and clapped her hands upon learning that her son wasdead.

Next time Rent-A-Brain

The Not Me Decade, in which everybody else is responsible foreverything, continues:

A Dutch tourist sued Alamo Rent-A-Car after his wife was shot in abad neighborhood in Miami while sitting in an Alamo rental car,saying Alamo should have warned the couple that if it drove in badneighborhoods, it would run the risk of being shot at.

Made her stop, missed her baby

News Item: "A woman in northern Greece forgot her 4-month-old babyon a bus Saturday because she was talking on her cell phone, the buscompany said."

Look at it this way: At least she wasn't driving.

Street smarts don't add up

Among the questions offered on a recent math test in a junior highschool in Thompson, Manitoba:

n "Rufus is a pimp for three girls. If the price is $65 per trick,how many tricks per day must each girl turn to support Rufus' $800-a-day crack habit?"

**"Hector knocked up three girls in his gang. What is the exactpercentage of the girls in the gang that Hector knocked up?"

The teacher was suspended.

Small wonder. The math is way too easy for junior high.

602

Today's Birthdays: Paul McCartney, 60; Roger Ebert, 60.

Coincidence?

Afghans and I

QT Grammar "R" Us Seminar on the English Language (cont'd):

n Ann P., an Internet reader, wants everybody please to realizethat "they will join you and me," not "you and I."

This is just between her and you, of course.

n Anonymous, an Internet reader, regarding QT's advising DefenseSecretary Donald Rumsfeld that Kabul rhymes with "hobble," e-mails:

"Hey, bozo. What makes you think we'd take your pronunciation overa real expert's? Stick with what little you know, you amateurish,immature ignoramus."

All QT knows is the pronunciation it heard when it was inAfghanistan some years ago.

So QT will stick with it.

Amateurish?

QT is at qt@suntimes.com.